Bigger, longer, & uncut original script
(only until movie scene ends-for now)
[Stan:] There's a bunch of birds in the sky, and some deer just went running by, oh the snow's pure and white on the Earth rich and brown! Just another Sunday morning in my quiet mountain town!!! The sun is shining and the grass is green, under the three feet of snow, I mean. This is the day when it's hard to wear a frown! All the happy people stop to say hello!
[Stranger:] Get out of my way!
[Stan:] Even though the temperature is low, it's a perfect Sunday morning in my quiet, little mountain town!
[Stan's mom:] Well, good morning, Stan!
[Stan:] Mom! Can I have eight dollars to see a movie?
[Stan's mom:] A movie?
[Stan:] Yeah! It's gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada!
[Stan's mom:] Alright, here you go, but be back for supper!
[Stan:] Thanks mom!
[Stan's mom:] Oh what a picture perfect child, just like Jesus he's tender and mild, and he’d wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown! What an angel with a heart so sweat and sure, a mind so open and pure. Thank god we live in this quiet, redneck mountain town!
[Stan:] (Knocks on door) Dude, wake up! Kenny! Come on!
[Kenny:] Coming!
[Stan:] Kenny! The Terrance and Philip movie is out! Wanna come?
[Kenny:] Of course I want to come, let’s go!
[Kenny’s mom:] Where do you think you’re goin’?
[Kenny:] Goin’ to go see the Terrance and Philip movie!
[Kenny’s mom:] You can’t! You have to go to church!
[Kenny:] But mom, I really want to see this movie!
[Kenny’s mom:] Fine! You go ahead and miss church! But when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
[Kenny:] OK!
[Stan:] You see your breath hangin’ in the air, you see homeless people but you just don’t care, it’s a sea of smiles in which we’d be glad to drown!
[Kenny:] Don't ya know our little town is something to seeee, and it really is important to meeee!
[Stan:] That’s right! It’s Sunday morning in our quiet, little, white bred, redneck mountain town!
[Ike:] Buh-Buh-Buh-Buh-Buh!
[Kyle:] Alright Ike, Kick the baby!
[Ike:] Don’t kick the baby!
[Kyle:] Kick the baby! (Kicks Ike through window)
[Sheila:] Ike! You broke another window! That’s a bad baby! Bad baby!
[Stan:] Kyle! We’re going to the Terrance and Philip movie!
[Kenny:] (Shows movie ad)
[Kyle:] Oh my god, dude!
[Sheila:] Kyle, where are you going?!
[Kyle:] uhh... we’re going ice-skating!
[Sheila:] Well, take your little brother out with you!
[Kyle:] aw mom, he’s not even my real brother! He’s adopted!
[Sheila:] Do as I say Kyle!
[Kyle:] OK, OK, I’m sorry!
[Sheila:] Look at those Frail and Fragile boys, it really gets me down! The world is such a rotten place, and city life is a complete disgrace! That’s why I moved to this redneck meshugannah, quiet mountain toooown!!!!!
(Ike busted through window)
[Sheila:] Ike! Bad baby! (Ike: Bah-buh-buh!)
[TV ad:] This program was brought to you by snacky snoodle; the fun of smores in a delightful cookie crunch.
(Ding-dong!)
[Eric:] Mom!! Somebody’s at the door!
[Ms. Cartman:] Coming hon!
[Eric:] Hey! Can’t see the TV!
[TV Reporter:] It’s been six weeks since Saddam Hessian was killed by a pack of wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
[Ms. Cartman:] Oh look Eric! It’s your little friends
[Ike:] Fireman!
[Eric:] What’re you guys doing here?
(shows movie ad)
[Eric:] Oh, Sweet dude! YES, YES!!!
[All four kids:] Off to the movies we shall go, where we learn everything that we know, because the movies teach us what our parents don’t have time to say! And this movie’s gonna make our lives complete! ‘Cause Terrance and Philips are sweet! (Eric: Super Sweet!) Thank god we live in this quiet, little, redneck, po-dunk white-trash(Kenny: Kick ass!) U.S.AAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (Stan: Can I have five tickets to Terrance and Philips; Asses of Fire, please?)
[Clerk:] NO!
[Kyle:] What do you mean “no”?
[Clerk:] Terrance and Philip; Asses of Fire has been rated “R” from the Motion Picture Association of America; you have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
[Kyle:] But why?
[Clerk:] Because this movie has naughty language! Next please...
(Six-graders come and get ticket from clerk)
[Stan:] Th-This can’t be happening!
[Kyle:] We have to see this movie, dude...
[Eric:] Ah, screw it, it probably isn’t all that good anyway.
[Kyle:] Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Philip!
[Eric:] Yeah, but the animation is all crappy.
[Stan:] Wait, I’ve got an idea!
[Homeless man:] uh...hi. I want six tickets to Asses of Fire.
[Clerk:] This movie might not be appropriate for your young ones.
[Homeless man] Hey, he says this movie isn’t appropriate for you.
[Stan:] Look Mr. Homeless guy, if you don’t want to buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of Vodka, then be my guest.
[Homeless man:] Six tickets, please...
(ding)
[Kyle:] Let me have some candy, Cartman.
[Eric:] Oh let’s see, uh... nope, I don’t have any Jewish candy.
[Kyle:] Like you need all that Chocolate, fat boy!
[Ike:] Buh-Buh-Buh-Buh!
[Stan:] Shh! The movie’s starting!
( Movie Starts)
[Kids:] Hooray!
[Philip:] Say, Terrance... What did the Spanish priest say to the Uranium gynecologist?
[Terrance:] I don’t know, Philip, what?
( Philip farts in Terrance’s face)
( Both laugh)
{Stan:] Where do the come up with this stuff?
[Terrance:] You’re such a pig fuckah, Philip!
[Kyle:] What did he say?
[Philip:] Terrance, why did you call me a pig fuckah?
[Terrance:] Oh, well, let’s see... first of all, you fuck pigs!
[Philip:] Oh yeah!
( Both laugh)
[Terrance:] Fuck my ass and call me a bitch!
[Philip:] Oh you shit faced cockmaster!
[Eric:] Shit faced cockmaster...!
[Terrance:] Listen, you Donkey-raping shit-eater!
[Kyle:] Donkey-raping shit-eater...
[Ike:] donkey-rabing sheed-eatah!
[Terrance:] You’d fuck your uncle!
[Philip:] You’d fuck your uncle!
[Terrance:] Shut your fucking face uncle fucka you're a cock sucking ass licking uncle fucka you're an uncle fucka, yes it’s true nobody fucks uncles quite like you!
[Phillip:] Shut your fucking face uncle fucka you're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka you don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn, you just fuck your uncle all day long!
[farting noises]
[Terrance:] Hmm!
[farting noises]
[laughing]
[farting noises]
[Mounty:] What's going on here?
[Farting noises]
[Lady:] What garbage!
[Man:] Well, what do you expect? They’re Canadian.
[People:] OOOoooooooooooooh
Fucker fucker uncle fucka uncle fucka fucka fucka fucka
[T & P:] Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
[Terrance:] uncle fucka
[Terrance:] You're a boner biting bastard uncle fucka
[Phillip:] You're an uncle fucka I must say
[Terrance:] Well you fucked your uncle yesterday
[Everyone: (laughing)]
[People:] Uncle fucka... that’s
[Everyone:] U-N-C-L-E fuck you Uncle
Fuckaaaaaa tonight...
[Phillip:] Suck my balls!
(3 hours later)
[Kyle:] Dude! That movie was fucking sweet!
[Eric:] You bet your fucking ass it was!
[Stan:] When I grow up, I want to be just like Terrance and Philip!
[Clerk:] Hey, wait a minute! Where’s your guardian?
[Stan:] What?
[Clerk:] I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in didn’t you?!
[Eric:] Fuck off, donkey-raping shit-eater!
[Kyle:] Yeah! Shut your fucking face uncle fuckah!
[All:] Your a ball licking bastard uncle fuckah!
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